It was Valentines Day 2023. I decided to “take myself on a date.” I tried to practice a lot of self-love and self-care and compassion for where I was. My second wife had just filed for divorce a few weeks prior and I didn’t want the loneliness to cripple me on a holiday where everyone celebrates as a couple. I was trying to seek health and beauty for myself. I bought myself new walking shoes. I bought a fitbit. I bought a punching bag and gloves. I splurged. (A little shopping therapy helped too I’m sure). I felt really amazing on Valentines Day.
I managed to stave off the super dark thoughts and negative emotions by one day. It was almost like the emotions I should have processed on Valentines Day all got bottled up and shaken, ready to burst. It was February 15th around midday. I had been feeling a panic attack coming on, but I had no where to go. My self-soothing techniques and all the coping skills I had been learning in therapy weren’t working. I had no one to call. I had abandoned everyone, even myself. I was alone. The intense feelings of emotional pain made me feel like dying was the only way to escape. I started losing it. I fell. I don’t know if I knelt or collapsed… maybe a bit of both. I ended up face down on the floor with my nose literally squished into the carpet, crying and screaming until I felt like puking. I was choking on my own snot. I could barely breathe. I raised my right hand, outstretched, looked up ever so slightly, and cried out, “Jesus, PLEASE SAVE ME!” ??
I turned my head straight forward from my prone position and an image began to form, almost like it was superimposed over my eyesight. It felt like what I was seeing was in my imagination, but it also felt like I was observing something external to my own mind. I saw a hill far away close to the horizon. It was Golgotha. The image looked like a pastel painting. The sky was purple and black. The ground was gray. There were skulls on the ground. There was a winding road leading back to me. My eyes followed the road and I suddenly became aware of myself inside the vision. Someone walked past me on the right. It was Jesus, carrying his cross. I looked up at him and groaned. He had a completely neutral expression. It was peaceful, but not joyful or glad. He bent down and picked me up with both his hands. As he lifted me up, I left the first person view of the vision and the vision turned into a birds eye view. I saw myself shrink into the body of a child. Jesus sat me on his shoulders and continued to carry me and his cross down the road.
The vision ended there. I fell back down into my prostrate position and fell into a deep relaxation. After a few minutes, I got up and frantically and impulsively went to my dining table where I kept my bible and notebooks. I started flipping the pages of my bible. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but something was making me look anyways. I needed a verse… I felt like God was leading me to a verse. I needed a word from God. I landed on
Seek the Lord and his strength, and seek his presence continually.
1 Chronicles 16:11
At the time, I felt like that verse was a great word in and of itself but extremely random. Why first chronicles? What a random book. (Caveat: I really didn’t know the bible well apparently. ?) “Seek the Lord” became my motto. I recited it a lot after that. I will have to write more about how special 1 Chronicles 16 is. God gave me a massive word, one that I would not have been able to digest if he gave me the whole thing at once… so he gave me the simplest portion of it… “seek me”.
I will write more about this obviously. This vision is what my entire website/blog is about.
I have heard reports of you with my ears, but now I have seen you with my eyes.
Job 42:5
I saw Jesus with my eyes… and taking 1 Chronicles 16:11 as a starting point, it was like I was reading the bible in a whole new way that I never knew before in my 38 years professing to be a Christian.
The practical effect of the vision… of Jesus lifting me up from the pit of despair I was in… from a place of anguish where I thought suicide was my only way out… the suicidal thoughts ceased from that moment, never to return. (It is something I still struggle with which I will write about.)
I thank God for his tender mercy that day. “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” He healed me. And it wasn’t the first time. He was healing parts of me… one piece at a time. I give him thanks, for He is good, and his steadfast love endures forever. ❤