A few days ago I was on my daily walk, grieving and wallowing in sadness. I prayed and asked God, “Why does everyone reject me? Why does rejection hurt so bad? God, I know you don’t reject me, but right now I don’t feel close to you. Why do I feel this? Why did my parents reject me? Why did my wife reject me?” Okay, so… my inner dialogue isn’t always fleshed out in clear sentences like that. Many of those thoughts were a mixture of feelings and words. But I think you get the point.
As I continued walking and praying, God actually wanted to give me an answer. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted an answer. Did I just want to cry out to God and complain and not really get a response? Was I blaming God? Was I projecting maybe? I felt compelled to listen to a podcast even though I didn’t want to. I was not in the mood for a podcast, but I opened my podcast app. The podcast in the queue was not interesting, and I didn’t want to listen to it. It was about healing ministry and worship music production. I didn’t understand how this was relevant to my prayers or to the thing I was struggling with that day and that moment. I told myself, “Bro, whatever, just listen to it, it can’t hurt.” Cynicism followed. This podcast was boring. Almost 20 minutes into the episode, it was mostly introductions and backstories and completely uninteresting.
Then God’s answer came. The interviewee on the podcast started asking God, “don’t you always get what you want? You’re God!” Then he realized… Jesus lamenting over Jerusalem. I now understood the message and heard God’s reply to my prayers. “You are talking about being rejected, but you have rejected me all these years.”
“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!
Matthew 23:37
I was cut to the heart. I had put so many idols between my heart and God’s heart. He was still seeking me, but I rejected him and ignored his words. I was unwilling to receive them. I did not delight in his instruction. I walked in the counsel of the wicked.
As I continued to listen to the podcast, it really made sense. Once I stop rejecting him, once I remove the idols and wickedness standing between him and my heart, then comes that healing that only happens in the safety of his covering, under his shadow, in the refuge of his secret place, in my innermost being.